family · Grief · poetry

Ode to a Plastic Box

My brother’s ashes
(I only really looked at them once
So my memory may not be accurate)
Were in a plastic bag
In a plastic box.

The bag was held shut
With a twist-tie.
I like to think it was green,
The color of life.

The rectangular box —
Neither orange
Nor brown
More the color of a dead autumn leaf —
Snapped shut
Like a pocket watch
Safely holding time inside.

It stood upright on the mantle
For at least year.

I whispered to it sometimes,
I miss you, Stewart. 
But he didn’t answer.
He smiled placidly at me
From the photograph
Beside the box.

We placed it in the Columbarium —
It seems like only yesterday —
But it was rainy
And spring
Not frosty
And fall

Tomorrow
The man will bring a new plastic box
Because my mother wouldn’t have wanted an urn
Jim joked about Cool-Whip containers
My mother would have liked that reuse
But I suppose it’s undignified
So she’ll have the box
That comes free
With cremation

She always appreciated a bargain.


This piece was originally written 11/18/2015 — two weeks after my mother died. I guess I never posted it because I found it in my draft folder while I was searching the word “miss” — Linda Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt.

Yes, miss is there — “I miss you, Stewart.”

I had looked at Linda’s prompt last night thinking maybe it would simmer during the night, like my mother’s soups used to on the woodstove. She made the best soup. She really did.

In the wee hours of the morning, the only miss I was thinking on was how I was missing sleep. I suppose I could have written a post on that.

Instead, I decided to give myself a hand by searching drafts. I have over 300 of them! This one hit home because I just had a conversation with a good friend (and this is the Stream of Consciousness part of the post.) It went something like this:

Friend: I suppose I should check on (insert person’s name). Her husband’s dying. He’s probably gone.

Me: You should definitely do that. Especially if you want to go the funeral.

[Note: he had served in Vietnam with the man who was dying.]

Friend: I don’t go to funerals.

Me: Even for someone you’ve known so long?

Friend: I don’t go to funerals. I only go to Celebrations.

I confess. I was judgy after that conversation, but reading this piece about the plastic boxes, I was reminded that grief is so individual.

We, as Americans, don’t have just one way to deal with death. Some have elaborate affairs and big funerals. Some celebrate the life. Some cremate. Some bury.

It seems to be a mix of honoring the person who died, and those left behind saying good-bye. I feel like my family did both with funerals.

And it’s Father’s Day on Sunday.

I miss my father.

Life

Coincidence or Providence

I have a friend who can list off coincidence after coincidence in his life. He tells me stories of stopping at a gas station in Nowhere New Mexico and meeting a grade school classmate that he grew up with in New Jersey.

Or the time he was hiking in New Zealand and ran into someone he had worked with on Mt. Rainier in Washington state.

Or of running into a woman he first met in Germany on an exchange program in his teens. Running into her twenty years later. In America. By chance.

It seems to happen to him. Former students, former co-workers, former teachers, distance relatives all seem to show up in faraway at unplanned times.

I think he has a memory for people, plus he is very outgoing.

So is it coincidence? Or is it good memory and a lack of fear?

Plus he would never credit God’s hand as playing a role in any of it.

For me, I just read the other morning something Augustine said about looking at chicken tracks in the mud of the hen yard, and how it looks like chaos, but if you look at those criss-crossed nonsensical paths through the eyes of faith, you can see Providence.

Is the fact that one hen gets a slew of tasty bugs scratching in the hen yard, while another hen seems to miss all the good ones in the same hen yard a matter of skill, or coincidence, or Providence, or sheer luck?

Life is such a mystery.


This is my response to Linda Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt: coincidence.

Life · poetry

Bless This Mess

Dear Lord,

Bless this mess
I’ve no need to impress
Anyone

I am
Who I am
Who I am

Life has
Too much stress
Why should I guess
Or obsess
Over what possess-
ions
Someone else may want

Yes, yes —
I can address
This mess

I can assess
And progress
As I process
Decades of stuff

Nevertheless
dear Lord,
I need You
To bless
Me
As I move from mess
To less

I confess
My dependence
On You

Amen


This is my response to Stream-of-Consciousness Saturday‘s prompt: impress. I’m still working through a house full of stuff.

I have another five boxes ready to go out the door. Yay me.

Life · Travel

Munchkins

I went to Dunkin this morning to get coffee. I’m traveling with my brother and needed my morning joe.

The young man who helped me was sweet. I’ll bet he was still in high school, trying to make a little money before he heads off to college.

So, I ordered my coffees — two of them. One for me, one for my brother.

The young man said something to me which I didn’t understand. I shook my head and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t catch that.”

He repeated his words.

I repeated what I heard back to him — “… rice?”

He laughed, and then spoke more slowly. “Hot. Or. Iced.”

“Ah!” I said. “Definitely hot.”

I paid him and put some money in the tip bucket.

I appreciate kids working. I remember how hard it was for me in my first public-facing job. I was 16 years old when I first worked at the Baseball Hall of Fame. We saw all sorts of people there.

I had also ordered a few Munchkins as a treat for my brother. When my young friend went over to put them in the bag, I listed off what varieties I wanted.

He handed the bag to me and sheepishly said, “I gave you an extra one.”

Was he appreciative of the tip?

Had he miscounted and couldn’t take the extra one out?

Or, did we have a connection in our brief interaction?

I’m going with the last theory. He was a sweet kid.


This is my response to this week’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt: sweet.

Every word of this really happened less than an hour ago.

Life · Writing

a List

  1. I won the award for best speller in 4th grade, beating out Jack Harvey (aka Merritt Harvey). Does that inspire me to do better? No, I’ve learned that there are people for whom spelling comes naturally or for whom it is an obsession — and I am neither.
  2. The messiest room in my house, which I will change to the messiest SPACE in my LIFE is my desk. At work and at home, my desk is messy beyond messy — and yet it is MY space which I covet and love.
  3. The contrast between these things — of being a good speller and having an incredibly mess desk — is that I am slowly figuring out what is REALLY important.
  4. What inspires me to do better — daily reading, daily contemplating, daily trying to look beyond me to the world.

This is my response to a bunch of prompts, namely

family

Easter Egg Hunt

Today I went to an Easter Egg Hunt with two of my granddaughters. One is 6, the other 10 months old. Here is the crowd waiting to get in:

And here’s a shot at the Easter Egg Hunt (or should I say “hunt”) itself. Clearly, the eggs were not hidden, just strewn on the ground.

I watched from the sidelines. The last Easter egg hunt I had gone to had done me in.

It had been 15-20 years ago. Parents participated elbows high, shielding eggs so their child could pick them up and prevent other children from grabbing them.

Today, it was chaos on the lawn. My 6 year old granddaughter gathered eggs. Her mother told me that, early on, when W– had about 5 eggs and other kids had their baskets full, she turned to her mom and asked if she was doing something wrong.

“No,” her mom said, “you are being smart and kind.”

Smart — because at the end, kids turn their eggs in for a goody bag. It didn’t matter if they collected 2 eggs or 52 eggs. Everyone got the same goody bag.

Kind — because she wasn’t fighting other kids for the eggs. She was picking up eggs, not picking fights.

“What a great answer,” I told my daughter-in-law.

It was wonderful to spend part of a day with them — and I love the way they are raising their children.


This is in response to Linda Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt: hide.

family

1967

1967 was a year of change for me. My father left the Army to begin his career at the hospital in Cooperstown. My parents had purchased an old farmhouse with 100 acres of land.

At the end of that first summer there, my parents had each of their children sit for a portrait.

Here’s my younger brother who was 3 years old at the time.

This is me posing. It looks like I’m kicking the chair that the artist is using to balance her drawing board on. That doesn’t surprise me.

My middle brother is waiting his turn. I’m guessing we posed youngest to oldest.

My parents must not have stayed around to take pictures of the two oldest kids posing for their portraits.

Those five portraits still hang in my parents house. I’m not sure what to do with them.

What does one do with old portraits?

My father had a portrait done of my mother when they were on one of their trips. It hangs in the living room. Honestly, I never liked it. To me, it doesn’t look like her. But two of my children have asked for that portrait. They see something there that I don’t.

I have a friend with an oil portrait of Benjamin Brandreth. It’s stored in a closet in an unused bedroom. Benjamin Brandreth was a mid-19th century pill salesman. He had made a vegetable pill that was a cure-all. Not quite snake oil, but along the same lines. I’ve suggested finding a historical society near where he lived in New York to see if they are interested in it.

Our president, you know, put a picture of an auto-pen where Biden’s portrait should go in the presidential gallery. He also moved a portrait of Obama to a less prominent place in the White House so it could be replaced by a picture of … guess who.

There’s a part of me that would like to see that man’s portraits purged once he is gone, but someone has to be a grown-up here. May his portrait hang in the appropriate place.


This is my response to Linda Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt: portrait.

Faith · Life

From a Distance

When I read the Stream of Consciousness prompt for today — the word “distance” — this song is the first thing that came to mind.

I have a love-hate relationship with the lyrics. Allow me to — stream-of-consciously — dissect them.

On the surface, yes, it’s all so true:

From a distance, the world looks blue and green
And the snow-capped mountains white
From a distance, the ocean meets the stream

Yep — those pictures taken of the earth from space show our planet as green and blue. We can see water, land. We have to start zooming in, though, to see ocean meeting stream. We have to really zoom in to see the last line of that verse:

And the eagle takes to flight

If we were to really really zoom in, we would see that eagle swoop down and grab a living creature — a fish, a rabbit, or even someone’s pet. Hmmm…

From a distance, there is harmony
And it echoes through the land
It’s the voice of hope
It’s the voice of peace
It’s the voice of every man

Well, not EVERY man. I’m so disturbed by the words of our Secretary of War/Defense this week. He initially acknowledged the fallen troops, but then they became a PR problem to him. He accused the press of trying to make the president look bad. Seriously??

From a distance, we all have enough
And no one is in need
And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease
No hungry mouths to feed

From a distance, it may look that way, but it’s not true. It’s just not true.

From a distance, we are instruments
Marching in a common band
Playing songs of hope
Playing songs of peace
They’re the songs of every man

I actually like this verse. Music is a uniter. I think about the story from WWII of Germans and Americans singing Silent Night together, in their respective languages, on Christmas Eve. (I think that’s how the story goes.)

God is watching us
God is watching us
God is watching us
From a distance

Umm…. the Christmas story is that God was born in a stable. The Lenten story is that after a dusty, dirty itinerant life — walking with us, eating with us, teaching, listening, healing through touch — God in human form died for us. God bridged the distance.

From a distance, you look like my friend
Even though we are at war
From a distance, I just cannot comprehend
What all this fighting’s for

I’ll go back to that Christmas Eve story and I’ll say this, You, Iranian mom, are my sister. In 2017, I went to Bosnia and shared meals with people of a different faith. I learned they were also my friend/family. I’ll also go back to those powerful people in the world who move us around like chess pieces. I just cannot comprehend what all this fighting’s for.

The rest of the song is pretty repetitive of what’s already been sung.

It’s a lovely song. It really is.

I just wish it didn’t lean so heavily on God watching “from a distance”.

Perhaps it’s simply saying that God has the best perspective — “from a distance”. Hmm… I need to ponder that.

Life

Smooth, real smooth

Smooth <— that’s the Saturday Stream of Consciousness prompt.

Honestly, I got nothin’.

The only thing that comes to mind — and KEEPS coming to mind — is the sarcastic “Smooth, real smooth” that I’ve heard when I’ve goofed up. Again.

Have I ever mentioned the fact that I’m a little awkward at times?

For my work, I have to call people, and it stresses me out. I think ahead to what I want to say when I have to leave a message — “Hi, this call is for [insert name]. This is Sally calling from the Membership Office.”

Sometimes, I get through the point of the call seamlessly.

Other times, though, someone will walk past my open door, wave, and I get distracted. That’s when I start babbling.

I think that as I grow older, it’s not just my body that loses some of its flexibility, but my brain also loses elasticity. I don’t multitask like I used. I forget names and/or words.

Then I feel a little like a fool.

Smooth, real smooth.

Music

Under Pressure

Yesterday, I walked on the track listening only to Queen. I had this idea that I could put together a whole play list of Queen for my senior walkers. My concern was that Queen may not appeal to the 70-year olds, but when I asked a few of them, they were in favor of it.

So I was walking on the track listening only to Queen. Their music is great: Somebody to Love, Another One Bites the Dust, We Will Rock You, We are the Champions, etc.

When Bohemian Rhapsody came on, I couldn’t help but think of our local summer opera company — Glimmerglass Opera — and how cool it would be to hear them perform that song. Can’t you picture it? Do opera companies ever do anything like that?

Anyway, back to walking on the track, a song came on that I didn’t recognize at first. I was a good way into the song before someone sang the words “under pressure.” Of course, I knew the song then.

Of course, I came home and watched the video, which I had never watched before. The chaos that they show — so appropriate for today. The whole song is so appropriate for today. The chaos, the scariness, the need for love.

So here you go — a little Queen and David Bowie.

I know Linda Hill wasn’t thinking of pressure as a starts with ‘pre’ word when she suggested that for the SoCS prompt, but I had the song running through my head when I saw her prompt.