family

About My Mother

In no particular order, here are a few things about my mother.

My mother was the youngest of four. She had an older sister and two older brothers. She was the one who took care of her own mother in her last decades.

My mother and her mother

My mother lived to the age of 87, although Alzheimer’s took her “in dribs and drabs” for years before that.

My mother loved gardening. Her father brought her some pansies when she was a girl and that started her love affair with flowers.

When my mother was weeding the gardens between the fence and the road, she would shake her fist at cars that drove by too fast.

On summer evenings, my mother always had a bowl and/or a bag and/or a cutting board so she could work on shelling peas or cutting up green beans from the garden. She would then freeze them in neatly labeled containers and we would enjoy them all winter.

My mother made the best soups in the world. Leftovers never went to waste. They would appear in soups and somehow tasted delicious. The turkey carcass at Thanksgiving turned into the best of the best soups. It would simmer on the wood stove for days.

My mother often put on her lipstick using the rearview mirror in the car, but she really didn’t wear much make-up besides that.

My mother struggled to tame her hair just like I do. Sometimes she would wet it down, curl it the right way, and put a little hair clip in to hold it while it dried. Then she would pull the clip out before she left the house (or sometimes the car) and quickly brush through her hair, hoping for the best.

My mother clipped coupons. Loads of them. And kept them in her purse in an overstuffed coupon wallet.

My mother lapsed into Boston occasionally when she spoke. “Pahk the cah on Pione-eh Street.” Most of the time she spoke the right way though.

When my mother would ask me to set the table for dinner, and I told her I was right in the middle of “The Brady Bunch” or “Gilligan’s Island,” she would let me wait until the show was over to do the job.

My mother gave me a negligee the night before my wedding. It was long and lacy and had a matching robe. She didn’t say much when she gave it to me, just “I thought you might like this.”

My mother flew to Wyoming to meet her oldest grandchild. I remember the way she carefully cradled his head because of an infant’s weak neck muscles, just the way she had taught me so many years ago in 4-H.

When my mother needed to hem a dress for me, she would have me stand on the dining room table and slowly turn while she used a yardstick and pins to mark the right length.

When my mother answered the phone, she didn’t say “Hello,” she said, “This is Mrs. P–” She taught me to answer the phone, “Dr. P–‘s resident, Sally speaking.”

When my mother drank wine, her cheeks got red.

My mother was registered nurse. When my youngest brother was in 7th grade, she went to work for the Red Cross, drawing blood at bloodmobiles. She was very proud of the fact that sometimes people would wait for her to be available to do the poke because she rarely missed.

My mother knew how to pick up snakes, using thumb and forefinger right behind the head. Her brother taught her, and she, in turn, taught me.

My mother read to me, sitting on the grey couch that we still have. My favorite books were “One Fish, Two Fish” and “The Poky Little Puppy.” I never heard her complain about reading them over and over and over and over.

My mother taught me to read.

I never heard my mother swear, except for “damn” and that was when she really mad or frustrated, and I’m not sure that even counts as a swear word.

My mother knew six ways to anywhere. She liked to drive ways with the least number of left hand turns, and sometimes she would take a longer route in order to avoid left hand turns.

My mother would drive a few extra miles to save a penny per gallon on gas.

My mother knew all the rest areas between Cooperstown and Myrtle Beach, and had mentally ranked them. She knew which ones were “good” — that meant they were generally clean — and which ones were not.

My mother always made us use the bathroom before we went on a car trip. If we told her that we didn’t have to, she would tell us to “go try.” We usually produced.

Once, when we were coming home from Christmas shopping in Albany, our car ran out of gas. My father hitchhiked to get some gas for us. I was convinced that I was going to freeze to death right there in the car, and my mother calmly had me lie down  in the Vista Cruiser station wagon while she unfolded a newspaper. She placed the large newspaper sheets over me as a blanket. I’m pretty sure she saved my life, although nobody else seemed to be freezing the way I was.

My mother let me have her wedding dress, although I was nowhere near as tiny-waisted as she had been. The seamstress who made my dress used lace from my mother’s to make the yoke on my bodice and the cap for my veil.

Mom
Dad, me, Mom

My mother wrote notes to herself and made lists, both of them to help her remember. I still find them occasionally. One will flutter out of a book, or be mixed with a pile of papers. I’ll recognize her neat handwriting and the way she underlined words that she wanted to emphasize.

My mother, in the summer, hung our sheets to dry on the clothesline by the chicken coop. When she made the bed with clean sheets, she tucked the corners in so tightly that my feet were squished when I first got into bed. The sheets smelled like green grass and fresh air, a scent no dryer sheet will ever reproduce.

My mother loved to sing. She sang in the church choir for as long as I can remember. When she was dieing, members of the choir came to her hospital room and sang hymns to her. It was some of the most beautiful singing I have ever heard.

This is my second Mother’s Day without a mother. It’s good to remember her.

 

 

family

13 Reasons Why Not

The other day one of my kids called. “Did you know Mary and Laurel are watching ’13 Reasons Why’?” he asked.

I knew Mary was. The show about a girl who commits suicide had created enough rumblings before the final episodes that I was aware of it and asked Mary about it.

“It’s really well done,” she said.

“Does it glorify suicide?” I asked.

“No,” she said firmly.

When I found out that Laurel was watching too, I cringed a little.

At that point, it was too late though. The lid was off the jar; the fireflies had escaped. I can’t really change that.

“What do you think of it?” I asked Laurel.

“I dunno,” she said, the standard teenage answer for almost everything, not because they don’t know but because it’s hard to articulate thoughts and feelings.

Last night my friends were discussing it, and not favorably.

“Does the show glorify suicide?” I asked Mary again.

“No,” she answered, “it does not glorify suicide.”

“I feel like I shouldn’t have let you two watch it,” I said to them. “I’ll bet so-and-so (and here I mentioned the name of a wonderful mother I know) wouldn’t have let her kids watch it.”

Laurel laughed. She was sprawled on the couch with her head in my lap. For all her grown-up height and attributes, she still likes to snuggle.

“If she hadn’t let her kids watch it, they would have watched it anyway,” she said. “Saying no would just make them want to watch it more.”

It reminded me of when I was around Laurel’s age and “Summer of ’42” came out in the theaters. Everyone was going to see it. Everyone but me, that is. My parents were adamant.

Back in the 70s, I couldn’t sneak up to my room and watch it anyway. I would have had to walk two miles into town and hope the ticket person at the theater wouldn’t question the scrawny pre-teen trying to buy a ticket to an R-rated movie.

Nope, couldn’t do that — so I read the book.

Laurel was right. “No” to a teen means find a way.

I suppose it would have been nice to process Summer of ’42 with someone, but I also suppose if my mother had asked me if I had any questions, I would have said, “I dunno.”

But for my children, especially my daughters who watched a show about a girl who commits suicide,  let me give you 13 reasons why not.

  1. I will always love you. There’s nothing you can do to change that.
  2. I will not get tired of you. I won’t push you away. You won’t reach a limit with me.
  3. I will fight fiercely for you. I’ll spend hours on the phone, or in doctor’s offices, or at schools, or wherever you need me to advocate for you as best I can. I will actively pursue getting you help if I can’t do it myself.
  4. I’m not alone in loving you. One of the blessings of a large family is that you have small army at your back. We’re a mighty group of swordsmen who will surround you if needed and fight off  your foes.
  5. You fill a spot in my heart that no one else can fill. If you were gone, you’d leave a terrible hole.
  6. Henry. The next generation is here. He thinks you’re pretty awesome.
  7. Grampa. You brighten an old man’s life. You are a blessing to him. Yes, he repeats himself and the things he says to you, but I see his eyes light up when you share your world with him.
  8. You are not the biggest screw-up in the world. That would be me.
  9. If you need me to, I can complete this sentence a thousand different joyful ways — “I remember the day you…..”
  10. Whatever the terrible thing is that you’re dealing with at this moment will someday be a distant memory. Throw the stick in the river and let it disappear down the bend on the way to the Chesapeake. Or, better yet, throw the stick in the fire — you know we’re big on doing that.
  11. Tomorrow is a new day.
  12. You’ve already made a difference in the world. Think about a time when you were kind. If you can’t think of one, I can — and I’ll tell you about it.
  13. Know that I will accept “I dunno” as an answer. I know sometimes it’s hard to put feelings into words. And that’s okay — but I’m here to listen if you ever want to try to find those words.
family

Daleko

“Doctor Who is helping you learn Croatian,” Mary pointed out the other day.

I had given Mary this cup in her Easter basket.

Because she likes Doctor Who.

The other day, as I was trying to jam more Croatian words into my head, I threw up my hands, and said, “How am I ever going to remember that daleko means far?!”

Then I saw Mary’s Dalek cup.

I want the Daleks far from me.

Dalek — daleko. I’ll remember it now, even if only temporarily.

(Yes, I know it’s a Star Wars something)

elderly · family

Wandering Words on Travel and Life

This was a picture I thought about posting yesterday. Same trip — to Greece and Macedonia — but the look is one I recognize from later years.

As Alzheimer’s slowly took her from us, her face became less and less expressive.

We could still coax a smile out of her, but it wasn’t the same.

When she first held her great-grandson, she stared and stared. I didn’t think she would ever smile.

He was sleeping when we placed him in her arms. His mother and father hovered, hands ready to catch the precious cargo should she forget what she was doing.

We watched.

We told her over and over that this was her great-grandson.

Other women residents in the nursing home moved closer, wanting to see, wanting to touch this new life. Perhaps some youth would rub off on them.

But we tried to keep this as her moment. It was, after all, her lineage. Her family.

Finally, the baby squirmed — parent hands moved in closer to avert potential disaster — and turned his head toward her breast.

She smiled a real smile that reached her eyes.

So I look at that travel picture of my mother sitting on a bench, alone, slightly lost — and I know that trip was a milestone, but not in the good sense.

It’s almost like we were at the base of Heartbreak Hill — and we were about to tackle the toughest part of the course. But we didn’t fully comprehend it at the time.

And that’s the trouble. I DO comprehend it now. I’m not ready to do it again.

But my father forgot someone yesterday, a person that he had known well for many years but yesterday he had no recollection of her at all.

So, if I feel a little panicked about this trip to Normandy, it’s because I’m thinking of this other journey that I’m on.

What’s that cheesy saying?  “Each day is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” Sometimes cheesy is good and true.

I need to remember that.

family · Travel

Travel

I suppose this doesn’t look like a terribly dangerous picture, but I still get that squeezy feeling in my stomach when I look at it.

This was from the last overseas trip my parents took together. Nine years ago they went on a tour of Greece and Macedonia — I think it was called something like, “Footsteps of Paul.”

My father had been so excited about this trip. He had ordered all the books and done the recommended reading.

My mother, however, was declining in her mental capacity.  At first, my father was in denial about that. Little things are easy to excuse. As the trip grew closer, it became more and more undeniable. I wrote a post several years ago about that trip and called it “Scary Travels With Alzheimer’s.”

But there she is, in the picture above, smiling, because she has no clue how close she will come to being lost in Greece. (She wandered out of the hotel room without my father but was seen by other members of the tour and kept safe.)

After that trip, my father said their traveling days were over.

Now we’re preparing to take him on a trip. For years he has talked about wanting to go to Normandy to see the beaches of the D-Day invasion. Every time one of his friends came back from Normandy, he would smile and shake his head sadly, saying, “I’d really like to get there someday.”

When my mother was still alive, he wouldn’t leave her. Then his own health issues overlapped with her final days. It’s been a tough go.

So we (my siblings and I) decided it was now or never. We’re going to Normandy. We’ve arranged for a private guide so everything can be done at my father’s pace. We’ll see the beaches and hear the stories, then we’ll spend a few days in Paris.

Yes, danger — on so many levels and so many fronts.

I’m praying it all goes well.

elderly · family

The Cookie Rule

One of my brothers attended Cornell  — ever heard of it? While he was there, my uncle visited to adjudicate at the law school’s moot court competition. My brother snuck up to the bench where my uncle would be hearing the arguments and left a little note at his spot on the dais —

The following case may be relevant to today’s proceedings —

P— vs State of New Jersey (1937) in which the “cookie rule” was established.

The Cookie Rule clearly states that cookies must be consumed in the following proportion:  two plain cookies for every filled one.

I remember my uncle telling my father the story and roaring with laughter. My grandfather, my father, my uncle — they all love to laugh.

And I love to hear it.

But the cookie rule was new to me at that point. My mother never instituted it, although my father had grown up with it. His mother had come up with a way to control cookie consumption — two plain cookies for every filled.

All this flashed through my mind yesterday when I brought my father his “sweet” to eat after lunch.

My father definitely has a sweet tooth, and every meal (except breakfast) is followed by something sweet. After lunch, it’s usually a cookie, and after dinner, it’s usually ice cream.

I had picked up a package of Oreos at the store because they were on sale. I know, I know — Oreos are basically death between two wafers — but he likes them so I buy them occasionally.

Okay, I confess — I like them, too.

So, I brought this brand-new package of Oreos to him and said, “Dad, would you like a cookie?”

His eyes lit up. “I think I would,” he said.

I peeled back the flap to reveal the treasure, and he reached in to take one.

“Could I have two?” he asked — and suddenly, I saw in front of me a little boy asking permission to break a rule. His eyes sparkled as he looked up at me hopefully.

“Yes, you can have two,” I said.

He smiled and pulled two cookies out of the package.

Douglas MacArthur said, “You are remembered for the rules you break.”

I’m sure my father will be remembered for much more than this, but I’ll treasure that look he had as he took two filled cookies.

 

family · photography

Looking Across the Valley

My parents’ house used to have a large front porch. I can remember my mom and dad sitting out there after dinner during the summer, drinking coffee and watching the sun set.

Last night, from another room, I watched my father get up and push his walker to the front window. He peered out for a few minutes and then hobbled back to his chair.

When I came in, he said, “Just take a look at that out there.”

I walked over to the window and stood where he had stood. The sun was low on the horizon.

“Isn’t that lovely?” he asked. “The sun is… is…” He struggled to find the words.

“It’s setting in the west,” I said.

“Yes, that’s right. The sun is setting in the west, and it’s beautiful,” he said.

One of the best things about this old farmhouse is it’s view across the valley. No one can put a price on that.

This picture was taken one of those first years we lived in the house. (Ignore the kids in front — my hair still doesn’t want to curl the way it’s supposed to, my sister no longer wears cat-eye glasses, my little brother is considerably taller, my oldest brother has passed away, and my middle brother smiles for the camera now.)

 

1968?

The farm across the valley is still there, just a different color. But our fence is long gone. It’s still a lovely view.

A to Z Blogging Challenge · family

Z is for Zaengle

At Christmas I made place-cards for everyone. They stood on little easels at the table. They were place-cards without names, just funny little pictures that made me think of each person.

Each member of the family is unique — just like everyone else.

I wish I had taken a better picture of the collection, but here’s who each one represents.

Row 1 (left to right): Mary — a little Richard Scarry bunny writing at a desk. Bud had just painted her walls of her bedroom lavender, the very color I had wanted the walls of my bedroom when I was a child (but it didn’t happen).

“Fred” — he’s the photographer at family events, so I found a little man taking pictures. He’s snapping a shot of a dwarf crossing a bridge.

Philip — an army man at a Sandra Boynton nativity. Philip played with those green plastic army men at my parents’ house as a little boy.  Years later, we would find a sniper hiding in a plant, or a radio guy behind a lamp.

Owen — a Richard Scarry cat catching a fish from Tikki-Tikki-Tembo water. Owen loves to fish. A dog would have been more appropriate for him because he loves dogs too — but Richard Scarry didn’t have a dog fishing picture.

My brother, Jim — he raised sheep, and may even still have a few.

Row 2: Karl — Grumpy Santa (Sandra Boynton)  standing on the porch of a house. It just made me laugh. Karl does that.

Henry, my grandson — loves Curious George.

Emily, Owen’s wife — the only one with a name on it. I knew she had to have it.

Sharon, Jim’s wife — a dragonfly because I know she likes them.

Laurel — Pooh and Piglet and a goose. Laurel wanted Winnie the Pooh in hers. I liked the way they were leaning back to look up at the goose.

Row 3: Donna, Sam’s wife — I read somewhere that a cardinal represents lost loved ones. Her mother passed away while she and Sam were dating. Plus snow because British Columbia and snow.

Bud — Bud loves building fires and sitting and staring into them. It’s a Zaengle thing. Zaengle gatherings with his siblings almost always include bonfires and just sitting around the fire talking.

My dad — he was a doctor so I found a little doctor for him.

Helen — she has always loved the beach. I even sprinkled a little sand and put some real tiny shells on hers.

Amanda, Philip’s wife — She’s Henry’s mother, and it seemed appropriate to give her a mother and child.

Row 4: My brother, Peter — he teaches science. I’ve gone with him several times in the summer when he takes kids to the biological field station on the lake where the kids look at all sorts of life under microscopes.

My nephew, Ben — he’s very musical and had just starred in his school’s middle school musical.

Sam — like hiking, works at an outdoorsy store, and the boots made me think of him.

Me — the only one I didn’t make. Mary made mine for me. I love how she put a little rabbit comforting/encouraging the tired housewife. This is my life.

Diana, Peter’s wife — two literary rabbits. She’s an English teacher and loves books as much as I do. I thought she would appreciate these two classic characters meeting each other.

And to finish it off, here’s a family photo of my family taken this Christmas. I am incredibly blessed with a wonderful family.

Bud said to me, as we were driving home from the Albany bus station after dropping Sam and Donna off so they could fly back west, “We did a good job, didn’t we?”

So far, so good.

Christmas 2016
Starting on the top step — Amanda and Philip
Owen and Emily
Sam and Donna
Me and Bud
“Fred”, Helen, and Laurel
Karl, Henry, and Mary

I love these people.

A to Z Blogging Challenge · elderly · family

V is for Vocabulary

Even though they were very wise, the owls had a limited vocabulary.


I often walk into the living room these days and find my father with the dictionary in his lap.

He still does word puzzles — the daily Jumble and crossword — every day, although he comments often that they’re making them harder.

He needs help with them — sometimes (often) by asking me or anyone in the room, and sometimes by trying to look words up in the dictionary.

As a kid, I can remember asking how to spell a word, and he would say, “Look it up in the dictionary.” Of course, that didn’t make total sense to me because I needed to know how to spell it to look it up. Somehow it worked though.

Dictionaries have always been important to my father.

When he left for college, he was given a dictionary that he still has today. It’s tattered and worn and not the dictionary I find on his lap.

He gave me a dictionary when I went to college. I still have it.

I gave one of my sons a dictionary when he went to college — not an electronic one, but a heavy hardcover one, where he could feel the weight of all those words.

Dictionaries were a fertilizer that fed my roots.

Having a good vocabulary is a gift from my parents, one for which I am continually thankful.


Teacher from A Boy Who Wants a Dinosaur by Hiawyn Oram and Satoshi Kitamura
Fence from Catch Me, Catch Me! A Thomas the Tank Engine Story illustrated by Owain Bell
Owls from Mother Goose Treasury, 2009 Publications International — it has a long list of illustrators and I don’t know which one did the owls