Grief · poetry

Of Memories Gone

Sally

The W3 prompt for this week is to write a villanelle on the cycle of life and death.

I love villanelles (in theory). I especially love when other people write good villanelles. I’ve decided, though, that I don’t like writing them.

I wish I was Dylan Thomas and knew how to not go gentle. Instead I found myself monkeying around with a ton of bricks. Such an overused cliche.

My father died in 2019 and my memory is so blurred. I have very few clear recollections of that day.

I went for a walk. I DO remember doing that — more, I remember my own NEED to do that. There were too many people in that one room and one of them was dead. I needed to get out.

Now, when I look back at that time, there’s a pandemic in the way. It’s like a wall that I can’t see over.

Something significant happened in September 2019. I have vague memories of it.

In my attempt at villanelle-ing, I ended up with two, neither of which I’m terribly happy with —

Here’s the first:

My father’s death hit me like a ton of bricks
It happened late September but the day’s a blur
And then we had a pandemic thrown into the mix

I was his care-giver, but I couldn’t fix
The inevitable. Yes, we knew it would occur!
My father’s death hit me like a ton of bricks

A gastric bleed that would totally eclipse
The dementia to which I had begun to defer
And then we had a pandemic thrown into the mix

When I look back on that time, nothing sticks
Nothing stays in order, no memories pure
My father’s death hit me like a ton of bricks

I went for a walk — yes, that clicks
But after that? I fear it’s all a whirr
And then we had a pandemic thrown into the mix

I know I have good reason for the memory skips
How did I make it through? I am not sure
My father’s death hit me like a ton of bricks
And then we had a pandemic thrown into the mix

And here’s attempt number two:

Enough with all this talk
Words are a garbled mess
I need to go for a walk

The night we hear death’s knock
We gather to pray, witness, bless
— Enough with all this talk

The hospice nurse notes the clock
Done? Begun? Your guess —
I need to go for a walk

To walk and walk — the shock
— I can’t express —
Enough with all this talk

Dear God, I need sound blocked
I need so so much less
I need to go for a walk

Trite, kind, angry words interlock
Into some noisy distress
Enough with all this talk
I need to go for a walk

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Published by Sally

15 thoughts on “Of Memories Gone”

  1. Oh Sally, I love Villanelle too but struggled to write, but yours were so worth reading and writing, I feel it all…: and I really hope maybe the writing has been a little cathartic for you … so very well done 💞Suzanne

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  3. Sally, your exploration of the cycle of life and death through the lens of these two villanelles is poignant and deeply felt. The raw honesty in your words captures the complexity of emotions surrounding loss, and, though you express some reservation, your poems beautifully convey the intricate dance between memory, grief, and the unexpected twists life throws our way. Thank you for sharing.

    Much love,
    David

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    1. Thanks, David. If I captured all that you said I did, maybe they serve some purpose. My feelings about that time are still so raw — maybe I need to figure out a way to write a more palatable poem by somehow stepping back further and not being so personal with it.

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  7. Sally, your villanelles moved me intensely in fact that moved me to tears. They capture so well the complicated nature of grief. The reader feels your grief with you. Two very raw yet beautiful villanelles

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