Partial Transcript: Thistle Do Nicely

Or: 13 Minutes of Absolute Nonsense

Or: Do they ever actually talk about Songs of Scotland?!


Rory:  Welcome to the Scottish podcast by Scottish people about Scottish things. We’re three lifelong friends and displaced Scotsmen who like to get together to talk about our homeland, the weird stuff that happens there, and to remind us why we are the way we are. Welcome to “Thistle Do Nicely.”

Hello, everybody, and welcome to today’s Story with Rory, or is it going to be a song with Rory? I am joined by my backing vocalists, Jonathan and Christopher.

Jonny:  Hello

Chris: Hi

Rory: I was really hoping you were going to sing in harmony there.

Jonny (laughing, then singing): Helloooooooo

Chris (singing harmony): Hellooooooo

Rory (singing bass): Hellooooo …. Ah, yes

Jonny: We’ll fix it and post. Don’t worry

Chris (singing the tune of “The Wellerman”): Rory is Heather’s man’s son. He wanted a pod so we played along.

Rory: Ah, yeah, well. We’re a bit punchy because it has been a busy week, but also we’re going to be talking about songs of Scotland today. So, we’ve been listening to some incredibly patriotic traditional Scottish songs for the past 24 hours and we’re excited to talk to you about them. I think before we do that —

Jonny: We’re, like, the past 24 minutes, I think, in some instances.

Chris: If that

Rory: I am trying to create a theater of the mind, Jonathan

Jonny: Sorry, I’d like the listeners to know how close it was to this episode not happening.

Rory: I —

Jonny: We made it.

Rory: I would like the listeners to believe that we spend weeks and weeks researching each episode ahead of time, but —

Chris: It was remarked by my other half that Rory successfully guilted me into doing the episode after a particularly frantic coming-home period.

Rory: Yeah, but — you’re going to come out of it feeling better. I know that. This is going to be — I think that’s what men in their thirties do now instead of going to therapy. We just get a podcast. So…

Chris: I think you might be on to something.

Rory: I think this is going to make you feel better. Yeah. Before we start talking about songs of Scotland, let’s take a wee rumble in the sporran. Wee rummage.

Chris: Yeah, if you like. Absolutely.

Rory: Absolutely. So I discovered the other day that we get reviews on other websites outside of Apple podcasts, and, you know, if you have a moment right now, go and review us. It’s very helpful. 

But… uh, yeah… I discovered that we get reviews on things like Amazon and Audible and stuff like that and I found this amazing one from Mary Elizabeth — I’ll leave your last name out just in case child services get involved. 

So her title: Here’s a F—ing Five Star Review!

Chris: Not our words, mums.

Rory: No, no — I’m quoting here — “Loving this podcast boys and enjoy the banter and swearing. Even my 12 year old enjoys it.” So, uh, Mary, you’re obviously raising a well-rounded child there. Congratulations. And shout out to Mary’s child.

Chris: I’ve got an aggressive one as well. Real aggressive tones in these. This is from Danny Boy and Lovely Laura, which starts, “Alright, ballbags —

Rory: Nice. Love it.

Jonny: Great

Chris: (reading) “How are youse doing? It’s Danny Boy and the birds here. That’s Laura.” Of course. As if we would know who that is. “And the birds.“ Obviously Laura.

Rory: Do you think she’s writing it over his shoulder?

Chris: (imitating Laura’s voice) “Tell them who I am! Tell them my name! I’m not a bird! I’m Laura!” Hang on. I’ll get there. That’s the wrong accent for her. “We’ve been listening from near enough the start and loving it. We’re from EK—“ for our readers, that’s East Kilbride which is famous for its roundabouts and cinema —

Rory: Yeah

Chris: And that’s it. Nothing else. “Laura is from Tyrone in Ireland and we’ve been living in Aus for 3.5 years.” I’m assuming Australia, not Austria.

Rory: Quite the cosmopolitan couple.

Chris: Could be Austria. That’s the spy capital of the world. A Scottish and an Irish spy in Vienna.

Rory: It could be that early 90s prison with just incredible violence.

Chris: No, it’s spelled A-U-S so —

Rory: So it’s not the HBO mini-series

Chris: Or the fantastic emerald wonder

Rory: Oh yes that

Chris: With munchkins as well. Um… “It’s class to listening to boys from home talking shite.” I think that’s offensive.

Rory: It’s a different podcast.

Chris: “No nonsense, of course.” He acknowledges that we are no-nonsense podcast. “Seeing as we are so similar — the Scottish and the Irish — we’d love to hear a podcast of Scottish v. Irish. Obviously, Scotland would be the better side.” So that’s one option, chaps. I mean, we’re going to have to do Scotland v Ireland at some point.

Rory: Yeah. We’ve talked about this a couple of times… erm….

Chris: We just have to get around to it.

Rory: But it was more we’ve talked about doing Scotland v Ireland — which was better or explaining to people the difference between Scotland and Ireland

Chris: I don’t think we need to do a debate episode of which is better, just one explaining why Scotland is better.

Rory: Right. Yes.

Jonny: But we’re sort of, in a way, kindred spirits with the Irish, are we not? You know it’s a bit different relationship than between us and the British

Rory: Oh, god, yes, of course.

Chris: They’re the other side of the same coin, but that other side is really scratched up, like a cat has got to it.

Rory: And just slightly more drunk than us.

Chris: Hah 

Chris: Other thing he wants to mention is — and this might be up your street, Jonny — Baker Street, if you will — “one of the things we don’t debate on is Gerry Rafferty being a weapon of an underrated Scottish musician. I would love to hear a podcast on the legend. If you haven’t listened to him much, we highly recommend the album ‘City to City’ and ‘Night Owl’

Rory: Agreed

Chris: Must love that. “Love, hugs, and kisses, Danny Boy and Lovely Laura, you bunch of posh pricks.”

Rory: Accurate. Great. Also, excellent use of the word weapon there. Haven’t heard that in a wee while. That was brilliant.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah. And we’ll do a — Rory alluded to Gerry Rafferty in our Billy Connolly episode.

Rory: Yes.

Chris: It remains one of our best downloaded episodes every week. It’s always in the top three for some reason.

Rory: yeah

Chris: I noticed that

Rory: Well, he’s just a legend and I think people are downloading it mistakenly because they think Billy Connolly is actually on it so

Chris: We probably shouldn’t have headlined it “Exclusive Interview”

Rory: I’m kind of tempted just to label every one of them

Jonny: You could put his name in brackets at the end of every title. 

Rory: Yeah

Jonny: “Scottish Music [Billy Connolly]”

Chris: I mean, yeah, if we cornered the SEO market on Billy Connolly, that might be it.

Rory: Well, Billy, thanks for writing in. Laura, more effort next time. Be less Irish, I guess.

Chris: It wasn’t Billy. It was Danny.

Rory: Oh, god. Uh … I’m dyslexic. They’re basically the same thing. Sorry, Danny.

Chris: Sorry, Danny, you ballbag.

Rory: Uh, Jonny. You got anything in the sporran?

Jonny: Uh, do I? No, I don’t think so. Do I? Am I supposed to? I thought it was just that!

Rory: This is YOUR sporran!

Chris: I’ll read another one, if you want. I’ve got the sporran in front of me.

Rory: Go for it.

Chris: This one is from Susannah. She said, Hi —

Rory: Oh, I read this one! This one is chaos.

Chris: It is chaos. Yes. “From what I’ve heard, you long for new listeners to give a shout-out ”  – this is true – “and tell the world about this new inspiring pod you’ve been listening to” – this is also true – “so here I am although nobody but the three of you can hear me” – well, not any more — “I haven’t been through all your material yet, but getting there” — lazy — “Some brilliant stuff. Always at least four laughs every episode.” Just four.

Rory: Only four. Yeah.

Jonny: I think that’s okay going, to be honest. Four really long extended laughs.

Rory: It sounds, it sounds bad. Like an hour long episode.

Chris: Yeah, considering it’s an hour long episode, that’s a laugh every fifteen minutes, but she does say “at least” so I’d like to know which episode she just was like, “no.”  Although I do have an inkling of what that episode is from a Facebook message I’m about to read out. So she says, “I’m not so much into tennis but still almost all of Andy Murray has passed my ears. Perhaps your humorous tone helps get it done. Like a ‘spoonful of sugar’.” Then she sent a cartoon as well but I’m not going to click on that because it’s probably going to make my phone crash to be honest.

Jonny: Uh… thanks, Susannah.

Rory: I liked that email. It was kind of a chaotic, all-over-the-place email. I really enjoyed it.

Chris: Uh, yeah. So that was from Danny Boy.

Rory: Or was that Billy?

Chris: Yeah, Billy as well. And then where would be without a rummage in the sporran without a message from Sally

Jonny: Sally! She’s back!

Rory: Yeah

Chris: I mean, you’re going to have to do a song for Sally at this rate.

Jonny: Could we do a mega-mix of all the Sally-songs in one episode?

Chris: Do you remember last week we briefly alluded to the fact that the Scottish football episode, we said that that was probably our most self-indulgent episode so far? Well, we were wrong apparently. Sally tells us that the most self-indulgent episode was neither football nor rugby. Hands down winner for that would be the Drew McIntyre episode.

Rory. Yep. Accurate.

Chris: It was very early on in our running. I think episode 4 about the WWE wrestler. Sally, I’m actually wearing my Drew McIntyre t-shirt as we’re talking about this right now, so

Chris: Also — she’s very honest, Sally

Rory: Yeah, she called you out and she is correct.

Chris: I mean, I’m not going to take it too personally considering one email called out Andy Murray for being boring and this one called out Drew McIntyre for being self-indulgent, and they were both episodes that I led. But, you know that’s —

Rory and Chris: Neither here nor there.

Chris: I’m not a leader of this podcast. I’m here for reactions, okay? So anyway, she says, “I listened to it a few weeks ago because I was going back to listen to episodes I hadn’t heard yet.  Let’s just say that, if that had been the first episode I had listened to, you would have one less fan.”

Rory: I love it. That’s amazing honesty. I love that so much.

Chris: Then, I think she realizes that she’s maybe gone too far here — you know, I sent her lots of pictures of me crying — then she says, “It wasn’t that bad. Just not my cup of tea.” Then she says, “I think I’ve sent links to episodes to all of my children now and made one daughter listen to hours of Thistle Do Nicely while we were on a college-hunting trip. So there’s that.” Whoever your daughter is, Sally, I’m so sorry that you had to listen to hours of this nonsense.

Rory: Yes!

Chris: Um — it’s not fair on you and if it’s put you off any colleges going forward in life, you know there’s other things to do. You don’t have to go to college. You know, you can make a lot of money as a plumber.

Rory: Sally’s daughter – if you are in danger, email us. We will try and help because it sounds like you’re being trapped and forced to listen to absolute nonsense.

Jonny: driving around the country listening to only this

Rory: Yeah, clawing at the door, trying to get out.

Chris: Later on, she says, “One last question – am I allowed to say butterscotch or do I have to call it toffee?” I explained to her that they are two different things.

Rory: No! Oh — you know what she’s calling out? The fact that we were complaining about the word ‘scotch’ and scotch whisky — was that last week or a couple of weeks ago? That’s what she’s saying. Oh — that’s very sweet of you, but no, it’s okay.

Chris: I explained to her that they’re not the same thing so it doesn’t matter.

Rory: Yeah, but she doesn’t want to say the word ‘scotch’ because we find it offensive.

Chris: Well, what would you call butterscotch otherwise?

Rory: Nothing. That’s why we’re saying it’s alright to say it.

Chris: Butter-pieces. Butter-whisky.

Rory: Butter-Scottish person, or Butter-scottish candy.

Jonny: Butterjock.

Chris: Then she wrote, “I just saw your sporran request and none of this is sporran worthy.” Then I told her that we were going to read out everything. (Pause) Then she said, “I was just kidding about the—“

Rory: Oh my god! It’s still going!

Jonny: She’s just driven off the road.

Chris: Yeah, her daughter has actually taken her phone right now. Anyway, Sally, I know you’re probably embarrassed by all this but we love you, love all your messages, love the fact that you keep coming back for more. And, uh, yeah, there’s no other Scottish wrestlers as far as I’m aware so we’re not going to do any other episodes on that.

Rory: Sally — the fourth member of this podcast. Love it. Absolutely love it.

Chris: Ringo. Ringo of the podcast

Jonny: She’s like our George Martin — to us, the Beatles

Rory: I mean, thank you everybody for getting in contact…

4 Comments on “Partial Transcript: Thistle Do Nicely

    • Also, since you obviously read through that whole thing, between you and me, I would HATE it if they did an episode featuring Sally songs. I have yet to meet a Sally-song that I like.

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